now fortified with impotent fury!risperdal

Several months ago, the Lad and I had a conversation (or three) about one of the annual conferences he attends. This is the conference, mind, that meant we were in beautiful, scenic Baltimore ten days after we got married. A conference which meant lovely fall weekends in New Orleans…post Katrina. Like, less than a year post Katrina. Minneapolis in November. And the like.

This year?

Hawaii.

But something told me it would not be wise to go with- so close to Halloween, a time of year when work is amping up, right before my big conference. And then we found out Sean has thurs and friday off cause this is parent teacher conference week and, well, me going to Hawaii was not in the cards. To be fair, lying on a beach is NOT my idea of a fabulous time, so while yes it’s gorgeous and damn I’d like to tour a coffee plantation and clamber around a volcano, ok, fine. Also, it’s great points with people, like Sean’s teacher, who asked in surprise “And where’s Dad?”, and who then was very sympathetic when I said ‘Hawaii’ (those points were lost, though, when she not indelicately asked if we’d every talked to anyone about how high energy he is, and if perhaps we’d considered ADHD or ADD. And then brought it up again at the end. In between, however, in response to delicate questioning about gifted, airily replied oh yes, he’s gifted, they’re tracking several kids for testing later, they don’t do it first semester first grade. Um, thanks! So much for us being so worried about the whole gifted thing, but will you please assess him and start challenging him because do you realize that might be leading to the energy/constant need for input thing, right?)

However. Dude’s in Hawaii. It’s 43 and and there was actual sleet here briefly this morning and he’s in Hawaii. Drinking, I’ll note, a Mai Tai. Poolside. And I don’t begrudge him nice weather or a fruity adult beverage alongside a pool in Waikiki. Dude’s earned it. And he’s going to need these warm, nice, once in a lifetime awesome memories- of going to Diamond Head, of touring the Missouri and the Arizona. Because when he gets home on Monday, he’s coming home to a darling, loving, sweet little boy who misses his daddy very much. Who told me so when he woke up with fucking 104 degree fever this morning, courtesy of the Influenza Type A (aka H1N1 yes confirmed, aka ZOMGWTFBBQ HAMTHRAX!!!!ELEVENTY!!!) that the children’s hospital here missed YESTERDAY when I had to- doctor’s orders- hustle him over there because his breathing was all fucked up. Croup! they had chirped. And a touch of bronchitis! Put him on his Asthma Plan Level Yellow! (Which made me wonder, idly, if someone at Homeland Security has an asthmatic child. The Asthma Terror Alert is at Yellow: please be ready with your shitty tasting inhaler!)

Yes, we were in a GODDAMN PEDIATRIC HOSPITAL FOR NEARLY 4 HOURS YESTERDAY, and they missed the A-1 public health issue in the country right now (other than, say, health insurance, or lack thereof, but I digress I wouldn’t want to offend any readers MOTHERFUCKING PUBLIC OPTION NOW PEOPLE and heaven forfend I stray into politics). But this morning it was impossible to miss, and the traumatic long q-tip up the nose certainly added that touch of medical certainty.

Hamthrax.
While Lad’s in Hawaii.
Did I mention the word ‘quarantine’ was bandied about?
(The story of getting grocery delivery is a rant for another day).

Hi honey!
Please make sure, with your super cosmic powers, that your flight home isn’t just on time, it’s early! A couple of bags of kona wouldn’t hurt, either!
Please.
I’m begging you.

Yesterday, Sean informed me blithely he’d been a ’spotlight’ student at assembly. He couldn’t tell me why, per se, but that he got to stand up. That’s very nice dear, I cossetted, chalking it up to some dorky activity they do.

This afternoon, I found a card in his backpack.

“Caught in the (School) Spotlight for….

Sean is being spotlighted [ed note: I think I just heard Mrs. Pitts' teeth clench in heaven] for huge gains with his self-discipline and citizenship. Sean shows us how to live the virtues in the classroom and how to be a good friend! Your (name of ridiculous mascot completely foreign to prairie soil) pride is showing!”

And these virtues he’s embodying? “Academic excellence, citizenship, respect, responsibility, compassion, generosity, honesty, perseverance, self-discipline, and courage.”

Yes indeed. The child I claim to have birthed was called up in front of the entire school and praised for being a good little diligent creature who can toe the line. Given a counselor once said weakly to my parents, “Well, at least this week she didn’t call me a nimrod. She did say our meeting was inane, though.”, I find it impossible to believe that this child is actually mine.

Unless, of course, this is all part of his Evil, Devious Plan and he’s lulling them into a false sense of security and blind complacency. In which case, I blame his father.

In this week’s school newsletter, I was interested to note a little something aimed at 3-5th grade parents. It went along the lines of ‘want to know why we’re teaching partial product multiplication and ‘forgiving’ division? Come to a presentation blah blah blah.’

So I thought two things.
Um.
#1, my kiddo was doing multiplication for fun last night and
#2 what the shit is this?

I sincerely hope when he gets to those grades, and they attempt to teach him to do long division by guessing how many times the one number goes into the other and to keep adding on number of times until he gets the right amount for the place value, and they also try to teach him multiplication by some crack-addled ‘place value’ means resulting in him having to add up a string of numbers 4X as long as the usual solution step of a multi-place multiplication problem, that they’ll understand when he gives them that look, and then does it the old fashioned way and gets it right on the first shot. Because goddamn, is it just me or is the new math some sort of hand-wringing let’s make it easy on the kids lazy ass guesstimation thing as opposed to, oh I don’t know, teaching kids how to do math correctly the first time!