Wow, I suck. Um, let’s catch up on a month and change in lightning fast snarky bullet points!
-Halloween was a hit. In fact, all holidays are now Halloween, and someone had to be told approximately a bajillion times that there is no trick or treating at Thanksgiving. When it was patiently explained to him for about the 40th time in a one hour span that Thanksgiving is a time for family and friends to share a meal, and think about what they’re most thankful for in the past year and their hopes for the future, and reflect on what’s important, and no there’s no trick or treating though there is pie in abundance, the kid declared, “This holiday is lame.” I suppose when your yardstick is a holiday which produces a bucket of candy so full that at a rate of 1 piece a night after dinner with a random variance of every Y days consuming some other treat instead of candy where Y is a positive number between 2 and 6 will last until the range between your April birthday and the Fourth of July, why yes, Thanksgiving is lame. (wow, calculus did just come in handy).
-I had a huge business trip. It ate my soul. Have I mentioned I do not wear shoes all day every day? Wearing heels for 5 days straight damn to near killed me.
-We, um, kidnapped the kid to Disney World. That’s a separate entry.
-WHOA MY GOD, THE HOLIDAYS, THE HOLIDAYS ARE HERE, COMMENCE LE FREAKOUT. I’m actually in good shape, present wise (though why the hell I thought I had ample time to knit 7 pairs of mittens AND make a photo book for every grandparent and great grandparent is beyond me), need to get on the stick about cookies, and oh crap Chanukah starts next week must dig out appropriately colored paper and start wrapping things and buy candles and potatoes and canola oil! What with Thanksgiving so early this year, it feels like the agony will last that…much…longer. That many more events at school and work shindigs, that many more days of Christmas music in stores, that many more days of the Salvation Army bellringer, who’d been sitting flirting with the lone male employee of the craft store, hopping up to do her job.
*ding ding ding! ding ding ding!* “Merry Christmas!”
“Happy holidays.” I thought it was utterly polite.
*di…clunk.*
And she thunked back to sit and glared outright at me. What the shit?
Gloves are off. Next person who wishes me Merry Christmas gets Happy Chanukah right back. No more of this milquetoast Happy Hols crap. They want it? Oh I’ll bring it. I’ve got 8 pounds of butter in the fridge, a rolling pin, and a bad attitude and I’m not afraid to use em.