March 2004


Uncategorized30 Mar 2004 10:13 am

We knew it was time to leave Chicago. We have been talking about it, bitching about it, for months, maybe even years. We were burned out on U of C, burned out on fighting for parking whenever we ventured out of our apartment, and potholes as big as the sun, and unbelievably high sales tax and city car sticker tax and don’t get me started about the cost of parking much less actually insuring a damn vehicle within the city limits, and lo, it was time. It was time for a new chapter. But I now know I’m more of an urban girl than I realized when I lived in Chicago. Click below for more.

Continue Reading »

Uncategorized26 Mar 2004 07:25 pm

I am in my warpaint, I have girded my loins. My nails are painted ‘black and blue’ (you go to hell, MAC, for reformulating all of your nail polishes and thus discontinuing that color, you go to hell and you die!), the dark pearl choker the Lad got me some Christmases ago round my neck, dark stretch bootcut jeans and Doc Martens. Too bad the visage of urban, confident snark Wo-man is undermined by the unrelenting assault on my sinuses by Muculor, Dark Prince of Phlegm. I have Sean’s cold (goddamnit!) and the pressure change, as we climb to our cruising altitude of 33,000 feet, is causing approximately 32 gallons of snot to migrate en masse out of my brain and into my sinuses and nose. The people around me on the plane must be thrilled- thank God it’s not a very full flight, and I have my entire row to myself (no joke. I’m in ‘D’, and I’m the only person in row 18. Apparently, the ticket agent took my informing her that I have a vicious headcold and she might want to move me away from anyone to heart. I am at once gleeful and misanthropic yet feel like a leper.)

I called Sraa from the airport. There was some question as to whether or not I’d make it onto the plane tonight. I was feeling like pure, gen-u-ine Ass with a capital A all last night, and barely got any quality sleep. Sean, for his part, has proven our fears well founded; having gotten a whalloping case of the croup with his very first cold, he is, in fact, prone to it. I did the responsible thing at the first sign of a seal bark and got him into the pediatrician’s- too bad our lovely doc is off on vacation, and the ped covering for her that day is nowhere near as aggressive nor trusting of a parent when they say, “Listen, this is what’s going on, this is how his course has run in the past, and this is what we had to do’. God bless the Lad, he took the baby monitor and kept tabs on the poor wee man all last night from the futon in the guest room, and left me alone to sleep.

Sure enough, the croup spiraled into a festival of major league barking and labored breathing, so I got him back in this morning with a different doc covering for our usual ped, and she took one look at him and was Very Concerned Indeed (sidenote, if only they were there right now, hi jess! Hi robbif! I’m 33,000 feet above Springfield! Hi hi !) Years ago, I volunteered in the child life department at the children’s hospital attached to our university med center. Because I was older- a graduate student rather than undergrad- and a biologist, they handed me the tougher cases, figuring I could handle gore and sadness better than an 18 year old Lit major. I would walk past the rooms of the kids with severe, deadly asthma, work with the kids with CF. I remember the exhausted, frightened looks of the moms as they grimly restrained howling children whose every breath was a struggle, trying valiantly as the child squirmed to hold a nebulizer up to their face. Little did I expect that someday I would be that woman; sure enough, they did a breathing treatment for Sean this morning, and as with all things new, loud, and good for him, he fought tooth and claw against it. I think I ended up breathing more of it in than he did. About 2 minutes before it was over, he suddenly passed out into his morning nap, drooling insensate against me, and freakily, with his eyes open. You know, having your child twitch and gasp and essentially go limp, eyes open? Terrifying and looks to be right out of a crap-ass Lifetime, Television For Women movie. Eventually, his pulse ox recovered, and we were sent home with incredibly strict and stern instructions about how if his condition worsened one tiny iota, we were to call immediately, get him to the ER, and he would likely be admitted for intensive breathing treatments and a little camping expedition in an oxygen tent.

To no one’s surprise, this unhinged me. The pediatrician was pretty clear: take care of myself, try to unwind in NY, but if Sean woke up in bad shape from his afternoon nap, get his ass back in to be admitted. The Lad informed me, in no uncertain terms, I was fucking well going to New York. LPG did the same. My mother called and told me to ‘get on the fucking plane’. I am on the fucking plane. I called Sraa from the airport, and she crowed. And she was wise and right and told me it would all be fine and see you tomorrow and ‘squeee!’.

I will drink in the city. I will drink in the people and the noise and the crowds and the rush and the smells and the stench and the attitude and the arguments and the passion of emotions unbottled and I will heal. That part of me which is not necessarily broken but perhaps wounded will remember; remember that there is life beyond the strip malls and the Taco Bells and the mega churches. I will throw my arms wide and gobble it all down, greedily, like a child with ice cream, like a starved man sucking the marrow from the bones of a meal lucked into.

Squee, indeed.

Uncategorized25 Mar 2004 01:36 pm

And I just don’t know where I can begin
What I need is a good defense
‘Cause I’m feeling like a criminal
And I need to be redeemed
To the one I’ve sinned against
Because he’s all I ever knew of love

It has been a bad little bit of time in wenchland. Click below for actual thought as opposed to Fiona Apple quotes.

Continue Reading »

Uncategorized23 Mar 2004 03:28 pm

..how to get Ses@me Str33t “Do the Alphabet” out of my head?

People, it’s really bad. Click below for more.

Continue Reading »

Uncategorized20 Mar 2004 09:57 am

I think I’m going to have to set up a spiffy website with a ‘Donate Now!’ button to fund Sean’s eventual therapy, as he’s going to need a lot. I think helping an adorable young boy overcome the burden of clearly insane and inappropriate parents is far nobler than helping K@ren get out of consumer debt.

The Lad and I seriously need to start editing what we say around him. Whereas some people ‘voice’ their children in sweet, treacly high squeaky tones, saying things like ‘I love my daddy!’, we say things like the following:

Sean (for real): “Ma Ba!” (ed. note: Sean calls me Ma, Mama, or Maam. Ba is his universal word for bottle/drink/food. He clambered over and said this as I was sitting on the couch drinking my first cup of coffee.)
Lad: “Mom! I want coffee!”
Me: “Nope. Coffee’s bad for babies.”
Lad: “Mom! What if I trade you cinnamon graham sticks?”
Me: “What?”
Lad: “Babies don’t use currency, so we use cinnamon graham sticks as a primitive method of barter. It costs you 5 cinnamon graham sticks to get someone shanked.”
Me: “Do you use cinnamon sticks to do the shanking?”
Lad: “Nope, they crumble. We use our baby toothbrushes.”
Me: “Good to know. Nope, I won’t trade my coffee. ”
Lad: “C’mon! 4 cinnamon graham sticks?”
Me: “Nope.”
Lad: “You know, sometimes when I’m in solitary… I mean my playpen… I dream about getting out.”
Me: “And shanking someone.”
Lad: “Sweet, sweet shanking.”

Although, unlike to ‘Poo Boat’ episode, this morning I’m the one who was frighteningly inappropriate. We now own the (relatively) new Baby Einstein counting video, which features idiotic rhyming vignettes with the puppets to introduce each number. For no apparent reason, quintuplet Pavlov the Dogs are used for number 5, with the following ditty:

“The five of us are quite a group.
We fit inside this hula hoop!
We wear five flowers behind our ears.
Our grandma calls us, ‘little dears!’
We eat five cookies
Wear five bibs
We sleep in these five little cribs.”

Which this morning, the Lad quipped,
“The five of us are quite a group.
We griiiiind inside this hula hoop!”

And I ran with it.
“We take five hits of Ecstasy
And mosh in the pit to Great Big Sea (Yes, I know they’re not big moshers. Deal.)
We do five groupies
Toke five bongs
Collect five girls’ glittery thongs.”

You can bet I’ll be working my magic on numbers 1-4. Please, Sean stands no chance in an environment like this. Won’t you help?

Uncategorized15 Mar 2004 01:37 pm

To hell with cogency. Welcome to the flotsam and jetsam bobbing around in my brain.

-Mom, I’m sorry. I know I laughed at you when I was young, and nicorette had just come out, and you were trying to quit, but the goddamn foil kept getting stuck on the damn gum and you just wanted a fix and ahhh fucking foil think you got it all chompOWOWOWOW foil on FILLING OW head jangling every nerve FIRING just wanted my NICOTINE goddamn foil on GUM! Now I know how you felt. Stupid fucking cadbury mini-creme-eggs.

-Who the hell filled my child’s toys with kidnip (since I assume catnip wouldn’t work on him?) Suddenly he goes through periods of frenetic, intense insanity, involving uulating, yelling, crawling so fast he can’t keep up with himself and so he plows headfirst into the carpet, and jumping up and down at the hearth. Swear to god, it’s like Robin Williams in the cocaine days, just sans any actual words.

-We’re raising a misanthrope. At fight club last week he licked every toy, grabbed three, and crawled off to the living room to play alone. Of course, then he crawled into the kitchen and pointed out to the homeowner that she might need to start putting locks on the cabinets. He did this by yanking open a cabinet and deftly pulling out a large Mexican platter which the hostess had gotten on her honeymoon. Um, oops. (No, it didn’t break.)

-Speaking of which, one of the fight club moms and I got together for coffee, and are getting together for lunch-and-wine on Wednesday. She’s sane. She has a life outside of her child. She doesn’t get into the whole ‘what brand of toys/ what books are you reading’ strange hypercompetitiveness thing. I love her. I nearly smacked one of the other mothers when she said, “Oh! Sean is finally crawling!” Fuck you. Some kids never crawl. Granted, these are usually the children who just get up one fine day and go tearing after the dog, but whatever.

-40 is having a cheese tasting dinner tomorrow night, and Giles is coming in for it! And staying with us! CHEESE! I’m going to have POUNDS and POUNDS of artisinal cheese in my possession! Muahahahaha! Ahem. I can’t even begin to communicate how delighted I am with this.

-In less than two weeks, I am in NYC for a weekend. LPG and the Lad tag teamed me this weekend, demanding I spend money on myself while in NYC, and not ‘myself’ as in ‘fabulous things for my home’. My shopping trip list so far includes a haj to ABC Carpet and Home, Petit Bateau and Catimini for the kidlet (and whatever else strikes my fancy along that stretch of Madison Avenue), and the museum store at the Met (plus, well, actually seeing as much of the Met as possible). I will probably hit Bendels for myself, and maybe Barney’s too, but other than that, I’m at a loss. I’m afraid the stores along Madison avenue may be too rich for my blood (as if Bendels and Barney’s won’t be, too, but at least those are so big I have a hope in hell of finding something. Oh, and Maison du Chocolat. So I won’t ever fit into anything I buy ever again.

-Someone please talk me out of buying the Ann Gish washable silk coverlet in the nice mod square quilt stitch while I’m at ABC. It’s a mere $325. It’s washable. But it’s silk. Jesus christ, I have a child. Why am I even thinking (and drooling, and dreaming) about it? Because I have lost all sense of reason, that’s why.

So that’s where my head is at. Overloaded with work and stressed, and thus princess time hit 12 hours early this month (and goddamn am I pissed. But this explains why I am essentially freebasing cadbury creme eggs). Starting to fret, in earnest, about NYC. There’s so much I want to do. I’ll be seeing a bunch of people face to face for the first time, and they will, of course, realize I am not the Sexy Smart Fast With A Snarky Quip Wench I appear to be in the text format, but am instead a severe introvert who resorts to sarcasm to cope with the presence of actual live people and who is extremely dependent upon the ‘backspace’ key as I take 5-7 attempts to write something witty who also happens to have big tits. I’ll be walking into chic stores in Manhattan and feeling like a dowdy wench from the midwest (y’all, I’m spending time thinking about what to wear shopping so the salespeople won’t immediately write me off and piss me off by not paying attention to the Yokel With A Wallet. Because I would hate to have to call the lad for bond money if I should snap and kill some sized 2 snot noted saleswoman who wouldn’t give me the time of day. Solution: well pressed shirt and my black dkny bootcut cords. And a snarl.) Oh, and sleep. I must remember to sleep.

And breathe.
And not spill my drink.
And not spent a gajillion dollars.
And remember I kick ass.
No really.
Sigh.

Uncategorized14 Mar 2004 11:25 pm

I am writing for 5 minutes because I haven’t written for ages. I should be sleeping. The Lad is playing a videogame in the study. Before we had a kid, it was really hard for me to go to sleep if he wasn’t in bed with me. Now it’s like ’snerk snort snoooore huh wha oh hi welcome to bed’. Oh yeah, welcome to romance.

Bits and pieces, my head is in the swirly place it usually is before I pass out insensate and drooling. Spring fever- the first iris reticulata have unfurled, and i feel bad about how fucking little I’ve done with the yard (in my copious free time, natch). Sometime this week a gajillion yards of yard fabric arrive and I will pin it all down in the huge bed we had dug the first fall we were here, and then it will be covered over in mulch, and please god let that stop the weed infestation there so we won’t look so ghetto fabulous. Speaking of ghetto, the new microwave arrived. It has a brain. According to the lad, stick a mug in, hit beverage, and it warms to perfect hot coffee temperature. All without sparky action. Who knew?

Must sleep.
Next time, light sabers in the skivvies drawer, and the latest Sean-a-palooza.

Uncategorized01 Mar 2004 10:06 pm

So, mom’s in town again. Mom’s in town because last week my employer called, hysterical, and begged me to drop everything and fly out for an Incredibly Important Meeting this week.

It’s a fucking cool project.
It is, in fact, a unique set of circumstances which are unlikely to ever all occur again, which lead them to break the whole ‘we will not ask you to travel on short notice’ thing which is in my contract.
My mom was, in fact, quite cheerfully willing to come down and take care of my child.

This doesn’t make me any less pissy. For strange complex reasons which have not a damn thing to do with my having to haul ass to LA for precisely 23 hours (which of course involves a good 11 hours of travel time on top of it) and having a breakneck schedule which makes it impossible for me to even entertain the notion of calling Ellinor and saying ‘Hi! I’ll be in town!’. Click below for more.

Continue Reading »